Hello and welcome back to another Transparency post! Very timely as the Lord has been helping me to zoom out a bit mentally to get a grasp of the full picture. With that new perspective you’re able to better see the root cause of things. It’s been a journey, but without further delay allow me to elaborate:
Lately I’ve noticed the cycles of my emotions slowing down and spanning out, and I find myself reflecting more than normal. I’m finally in a place where I can say I love myself, I have peace, and yet if I’m completely honest? I have no idea how to properly steward it. So that’s where I am now. I’m not where I used to be, in a place of self-hatred and self-destructive tendencies, suicidal ideation and running to sin rather than the Father. Yet I’m also not quite where I ought to be, or at the very least where I feel I should be. I don’t place all my weight on that however, because I know that I tend to be harder and harsher on myself than I ought to be; I’m still learning to allow myself. That being said, the Lord has allowed me to see that while I’m adjusting to this new reality, I have trouble stewarding the peace and joy that comes with it. The peace tends to be fleeting, but that’s only because I take it upon myself to maintain it as opposed to the Word of God, and the same could be said for the joy of the Lord. I know it’s my strength, but I have a hard time allowing it to be, and instead I tend to overthink where I’m at currently, if I’m where God wants me to be, am I doing enough? These are the thoughts I’d allowed to swim through my mind more often than anything. The root cause of this? I haven’t been meditating on Scripture.
The Word tells us in Isaiah 26:3 (ESV) “You will keep in perfect peace those who mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you”. The long and short of it is, I’ve been trusting less in God to be the wind in my sails, and more in my own ability to steer the ship. Instead of partnering with God, fighting with the Word, I fought with logic and reasoning, or just by trucking through the opposition. I allowed the weight on my own shoulders instead of allowing the Lord to take it from me, thinking it was building my strength in some way. I chose to endure the thorn in my side with will-power, neglecting that the Word tells us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV) “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”; with the verse going on to say “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me”. I haven’t let go of the “do it myself” mindset, despite the greener pastures the Lord has led me to. I hadn’t fully let go, so it’s no wonder I haven’t been able to fully grasp all the Lord has been trying to give me as of late. While it may not be an outward or materialistic gift, it’s a gift from the Lord nonetheless and I can’t hope to get the most out of it without His help. That being said I want to encourage you, if you’re one who is used to warfare, be it mental, physical, spiritual or a combination thereof, know that there’s more to life than fighting. Know that there is peace in the Lord, that joy does come in the morning, and it does get better if you let it. Let go and let God as they say; who better to teach you the fine art of stewarding peace and partaking in joy than the One who births it by His mere presence? Psalm 16:11 (ESV) reads “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore”.
Stay in His presence, seek it daily, and let Him nurture you. Take it a day at a time and allow the Lord to be your strength. I pray this encourages and blesses you as it did me. Stay blessed, and until next time
–JB
Rnt with JB 